So today I go back to work after being off for the summer. When I walked out the doors back in June, I truly believed that would be it. But I either chickened out or failed or both, because I decided to go back. Bills have to be paid. Yesterday I cried. Didn’t think I would, but I did. Because life for me has got to be about more than this.
I made promises to myself. Promises to take care of myself daily and exercise daily and eat properly and practice music and create and share my story…I’ve promised myself before. Now I have to do it when the hard feelings come, or this cycle will never change, and I’ll never see my real self, and I’ll never be free.
What do I do when I’m tired? What do I do when I’m discouraged? What do I do when I only have an hour? Or a half hour?
Sometimes I feel lost. Sometimes I feel like I’m just making things more complicated than they are. Sometimes I think my brain needs to be turned off.
I never understood what it meant when someone said, “Hope is a dangerous thing.” Now I know that hope can drive you insane.