Promises to Myself

So today I go back to work after being off for the summer.  When I walked out the doors back in June, I truly believed that would be it.  But I either chickened out or failed or both,  because I decided to go back.  Bills have to be paid.  Yesterday I cried.  Didn’t think I would, but I did.  Because life for me has got to be about more than this.

I made promises to myself.  Promises to take care of myself daily and exercise daily and eat properly and practice music and create and share my story…I’ve promised myself before.  Now I have to do it when the hard feelings come, or this cycle will never change, and I’ll never see my real self, and I’ll never be free.

What do I do when I’m tired?  What do I do when I’m discouraged?  What do I do when I only have an hour?  Or a half hour?

Sometimes I feel lost.  Sometimes I feel like I’m just making things more complicated than they are.  Sometimes I think my brain needs to be turned off.

I never understood what it meant when someone said, “Hope is a dangerous thing.”  Now I know that hope can drive you insane.


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