Starting again (again).

Water reset day one.  I sent D a text this morning to let him know, which was a good move for me because there wasn’t as much temptation from food cooking when I came home.  The decision had been made.  And I’m in so much pain from the old way of living that, if I want to ever see freedom, I don’t have any other choice.

Got on the scale this morning: 284lbs.  The highest I’ve ever been.  I feel like I’m in somebody else’s body.  It’s really weird.  I guess because I gained the last of it so fast.  And everything hurts now.  My ankles, knees, even my right hip a little. and now my right elbow when I straighten my arm.  My skin is blotchy from toxicity and the vein insufficiency came back in my legs.  It’s not as severe as it got before, but it’s definitely there, and affects how long i can stand without serious leg ache.  None of my clothes fit, I have piles of clothes, but the only ones I can wear are the few pieces at the very front of the closet.  My gait has changed…I just need to get on the right road.

One thing this experience has made me realize is that other people like me have got to know what they’re doing wrong.  I’ve been holding on to junk “food” as a way to immediate pleasure.  This is such a deep and involved issue psychologically, really the key to it all.  (It’s crazy how we adapt to misery and agony!)   But I think that the short term goal of eliminating pain is helping me do this today.  More motivating right now than “losing a pound.”  A couple of years ago, I did brief water fast and eliminated my arthritis pain, so I’m expecting the same speedy relief.

Not sure how long I’m going to do water only.  I’m just going to be intuitive about it and continue until my inner oracle guides me on to the next level.  And I’m thinking that may be green juice and mono fruit with intermittent fasting.

The old life has pulled at me.  I’ve thought about things that are in the refrigerator.  I thought about the frosted flakes on the shelf.  I was offered hot dogs (D forgot).  But the pull was less today because I’m desperate to get rid of the pain, so I guess I should be thankful for it.  Another thing I’m thankful for is the understanding of my loved ones.  They probably want to see me change almost as much as I do.


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