I feel embarrassed and sad as I share this.  But it’s my reality.  I’m writing this post just to link to an old blog that I started in 2010, excitedly embarking on a raw foods journey.  This really shows how long I’ve been trying (and failing) to do this, and it also kind of goes more into depth about who I still am and (some of) what I still want.  Anyone on a journey, please journal!  And set regular times to go back and read what you wrote.  That’s what I didn’t do.  Live and learn.  My blog posts from 2010.

Update:  …and more journaling from late 2015-early 2016.

11/30/15 A.M.

And so I begin.

In the back of my mind I remember how many times I’ve said that before.

I have started and failed a million times. I ask myself Why this time is any different. Maybe because this is the first time I’ve felt like I am going to die if I don’t do something. Not only physically, but I feel like I am already starting to feel the death of my soul, like a light has gone out. Yesterday I ate shrimp lo mein and chocolate covered cherries.  Yesterday I sat on the couch, wanting to get up and play guitar or keyboard, and didn’t. Afraid of what I would sound like in front of others.

This morning I have had no coffee, and I’m developing a pretty bad headache from caffeine withdrawal. I held on to foods that quelled my anxiety. I know now that I have a lot of anxiety. Anything that takes my emotions off center (negatively or positively) makes me want to reach for something to eat. This morning I got on the scale. 271.  The sad thing is, I know what I’m supposed to do. I’ve been studying health and wellness on my own since 2009. I know that if I don’t put my knowledge into practice, this might be it for me. I know I’m here to inspire someone.  I know that I have to stop living vicariously through the people that have inspired me, and begin to create my own world. I know I have to let go of everything that no longer serves me, and embrace what promotes my wellness. I know that it’s up to me to use my talents and resources to gain freedom from employment. I take responsibility for it all.

If I could make a wish it would be for just one year of freedom, bills paid, so I could focus entirely on creating the life I want to live.

P.M. So I came home after a late day at work, D. was cooking seasoned fries in the oven and fried chicken strips. I had the worst headache of my life from coffee withdrawal. Took 2 advil and ate everything in sight.

 

12/2/15

So I guess I’m not ready because I had hamburger helper last night and shrimp today. Today I heard someone say that the hardest part about climbing a mountain is getting out of bed.

 

12/13/15

It’s Sunday morning. I’m laying in bed wide awake, thinking about my life, like always. About how I can get out of the job I hate, about all the ideas I have, unsure if any of them will work, and how desperately I want my life to change. Thinking about how beautiful it would be if I wasn’t embarrassed and ashamed of my body.

 

It’s time for me to climb the mountain.

 

So I’ve been thinking about what to say to people when they question me about what I’m eating.

 

“I’m working on my health.”

“I feel great when I eat this way.”

“If something changes I can always go back to the way I ate before, but I feel good right now.”

“Right now, I’m avoiding _______ to increase my energy.”

I don’t know what else to say at the the moment, but I think it will be good to be prepared. I do have to say that I really don’t have much external opposition. There aren’t many people in my life right now and those that are (father, son and boyfriend) kind of know where I’m headed healthwise, they just don’t know how far I’m going to go.  The biggest day to day diet struggle is that my boyfriend cooks, and I cave in and eat what he prepares instead of standing strong and being the dietary leader that I’m supposed to be in our household. I also haven’t done the work of experimenting with vegan recipes to find some that appeal to them. Honestly, I don’t want it to matter what anyone is cooking or eating around me. I want to be able to stand strong and be a high raw vegan / intermittent faster in any environment.

I have five one-gallon size ziplock bags of watermelon in my freezer, and fresh ginger in the fridge. There’s also leftover Popeyes chicken (that I ate yesterday). There’s a vitamix on my counter, and a heart inside me that no longer wants to participate in the violence that eating animal products demands. A heart that wants this body to finally be free. By indulging in the foods that gratify me in the moment, I’ve been delaying my joy and prolonging my pain.

It’s time to climb.

12/31/15

Leave the shore. Enter the wilderness where experience is rich and life is vibrant.

Step one:  identify “old life” behaviors. Replace them with new life behaviors. Prepare for the varied, strong waves of emotion that will come towards you, and at times envelop you. Be ready to ride the waves. They will pass and you will continue moving forward.

My old life morning behaviors:

Rise and wash dishes from the night before, then consume content on social media. On workdays, this lasted 45 minutes. On non-workdays, hours.  New life morning: Rise and do the three m’s: meditation, movement and music.

Social media new life behavior: I will share my own posts of inspiration, info or entertainment throughout the day. Only if I have shared something of myself, do I entitle myself to see anything else. And time limit is 30 minutes in the evening only.

Old life night:  up stairs around 9, into pjs and in bed. Scroll social media.

New life night: clean kitchen first, up stairs and journal about the day.  Report on the detox, body changes, emotions, how my world around me is changing, and the music.  Into the shower and tub. Body care time. In bed by 10:30.

Old life after work: sit on the couch, eat any and everything and watch tv.

New life after work: declutter living space, practice, periscopes, create, prepare vegan food for D and J, eat fruit.

This plan, although beautiful in my mind, is going to feel weird and uncomfortable at times.  I expect the old life ways to pull at me.  I may even begin to do things automatically the old way without thinking, out of habit, because of my own subconscious programming. Identify the old life stuff. Call it out.  Keep “flipping the switch” and turning on “the light.”

1/1/16

I feel ready. I feel strong. I know from experience that some days I won’t. I don’t want anything anymore. Not even the foods I “like.” I crave nothing. This is actually a nice feeling. I can make choices in peace and move forward with my day.  Today I made a list of daily actions, and I’m calling them promises to myself. “People don’t decide their futures, people decide their habits and their habits decide their futures.” So I know that the daily habit is key to going where I want to go. Where is that? I want to be free in my body to move any way I desire. I want to be flexible and agile and strong. I want to run. I want to feel beautiful. (Secret bonus relationship goal: I want to be so undeniably beautiful that D can’t help himself and wants to do all the things he has never wanted to do before.)

Today I weigh  269  Lbs.  I am 44, but my body feels older.  I have shortness of breath, and heart palpitations. It is difficult to walk up one flight of stairs in my home.  I have blotchy skin. My eyes are always red. I have arthritis and swelling in my knees and ankles. I have venous insufficiency in my legs. I am very stiff and don’t move well.  I feel generally uncomfortable physically.  These are the things I expect to change this year.  Starting tonight I’m going to continue this journal on cards in a special box that I plan to look back on at the end of 2016. I know at times my emotions will be all over the place. My promise to myself is, no matter what I feel, to keep going.  My life ( and maybe even someone else’s) is depending on it.

1/6/16

I have been faithfully raw for the past 5 days, except for too many cashews and pistachios one day. Definitely won’t do that again. It’ll just slow me down.  No palpitations, no shortness of breath since I began. Need to also start eating less in general because I’m not active yet and don’t need so much food to maintain energy. Under eating is better for the body than overeating. Just eating fruit (bananas, oranges, apples, pears, daddy scored a case of kiwi and split it with me, raisins) and green juice (with kale, parsley, apple and ginger).

Feeling starved for affection as always, but I just keep telling myself that one day, when the glory comes, it will be ours. I shouldn’t blame him.  After all, I am the source of my own happiness. Weight today is 260lbs.

1/7/16

Today I feel like my torso is moving more freely when I walk. I feel like I’m loosening up just a little. I am reminding myself that at this stage, I may not SEE a difference, but my body will immediately begin to FEEL different, with each day of the journey. Last night I almost got in the car and drove to the store just to get a can of almonds. Cravings hit me hard (for fat and salt) but I’m so so glad I didn’t!! Oh also, I went to Dollar General yesterday, which is basically junk food central, and got treats for D, treats for J, treats for school, but I didn’t even want anything I saw. Kept walking the aisles looking, moreso out of habit. So all I had yesterday was two pears and a banana smoothie.  Today’s plan is more green juice, and green juice daily for alkalinity. “Eat your fruits whole and drink your veggies.”

1/8/16

So last night, D surprised me with a 1lb bag of almonds (that I had been craving the day before). So I ate almost half a bag. Even coated some of them in liquid smoke.  This morning I still felt them in my stomach, and I even think having too many of them (or the coating) was mucus forming.  Also felt extremely dehydrated.  Other than that, it’s going ok. Have to take it moment by moment when addiction flares up.

1/11/16

Hating my job and hating everything that is wrong in my life. Still I know nothing will change until I change.  Scale says I gained 2 pounds back from where I was on Friday. now I’m at 261. I’m sure it was from the avocado dressings I made, with salt. Didn’t do anything towards my freedom. Just thought about it all weekend. Now it’s Monday again.

1/12/16 a.m.

Meditation is the key that unlocks every thing I set out to do. Meditation.

1/13/16 Yesterday evening I was so low I wanted to no longer exist. Still feel low, but better I guess because of sleep. Only ate an apple and a pear. Fuk metabolism. Eventually my body is going to HAVE to use what it stored.  I don’t feel like doing ANYTHING in the evenings. Nothing. This job sends me into a mental tailspin. God please help me.

1/14/16

Ok so yesterday I wrote out a projected product plan for the remaining 135 days till the end of May. I feel a lot better mentally too, maybe I’m just adjusting to the diet, riding the waves. Last night I made a huge kale salad, but I caved and put avocado and guacamole was the dressing. This morning it still feels partially undigested, and I know my body is going to hold onto all that fat and sodium. Today is going to be a light day by far. Two pears, max. May I maintain peace within, despite my circumstances.

1/15/16

Another trip to the casino, and obligatory buffet. I was so strong and clear on what I wanted, despite smelling all the fried meats…salad was not the best I’ve had, but having it in that environment, with peace in my soul made it wonderful.  Had an amusing / sad convo about recent celebrity deaths due to cancer. The comment was, with fried meat on the fork, “I think it comes down to lifestyle choices.”  Yes it absolutely does. I will continue to lead by example.  I think I’m ready for a grape fast. At least the desire in me is getting stronger.

Don’t think I’m coming back next time. It’s 2:40am and I’ve been up since 4:30am yesterday. No one seems to care. Would they sit around and watch me have fun for 6 hours? Probably not. Love them, but also love myself.

1/17/16

I’ve been eating so many almonds, it’s ridiculous. And I made glorious salads for everyone, and loaded mine with guacamole. I’m not even going to bother getting on the scale for a few days.  D and K had salads too, but they requested canned chicken and boiled eggs (both were D’s idea).

They loved the salads, and it was an improvement so I shouldn’t complain. Afterward, we watched health videos.  My favorite was called “Death by doctor.” Lots of seeds are being planted. I know one day we’ll all be healthy, but I have to lead the way. And, it’s Jan. 17th and I want to be at 240 by the 30th.  Got to Keep rising.

1/25/16

(Failing my way to success…)

1/26/16

I just want to make people look up at the sky….to open their arms wide….to feel the sun shining on their skin…to close their eyes and breathe…and feel the expansiveness of the universe… And to say, “I am.” That’s what RS did for me.

1/31/16

I go back to work tomorrow. Schools have been closed for over a week due to the blizzard of 2016. I feel the weight taking its seat upon my shoulders. I really really really blew it on my diet this past week. I’m sure I’m back to my starting weight. I have to learn to persevere when trials and obstacles come. Here we are at February and I’m starting again.

I need to connect with like-minded people of a similar energetic frequency. Need to send out my echo.

Today I found out that Noah Mandel died yesterday. We were in the same class in junior high school. We weren’t close, but he was kind. The news has been shocking and awakening to me. Everyone said he lived life to the fullest. I have yet to begin living. To me, living is freedom of movement and choice. To be authentic. When I was younger I ran from my freedom. I traded it away because it was scary and I didn’t know what to do with it. Now I’m suffocating. I have to move forward in life. I feel so overwhelmed by all that I want to do. I know, one step at a time. But sometimes when I start, I feel so far behind and get discouraged. Amrit Singh (on Periscope) talked about how to persevere. All I know is, this must be my calling because, even though I’ve failed hundreds of times, health and music and freedom are all I ever think about. If I can just persevere and create and peel away the layers of all that isn’t me….it’s all a mindset. Live by faith, not by sight. I want to move into a larger house with land to grow fruit trees. I want to get a little rv and see the country. I want to play piano, guitar, harmonica, drums, flute and cello effortlessly. I want to be a part of a community of people who choose freedom. “Notable health”? “Healthsong”? I want to be a motivational singer and share my story to uplift others. Everyone I listen to says they want to help others. But sometimes I don’t want to help others because I think they are going to surpass me and I’ll still be here, accomplishing nothing.

I want to get my life together first. Is that wrong? Then I think sharing my journey might help me and other ppl as well.