This is me. Floating around in the ether like an autumn leaf, detatched, aimless. Going wherever the wind blows. Landing in no particular place.
I’m sure you can tell by the date gap between my last post and this one, I took a detour off my path. When life is bombarding you and fear creeps in to add seasoning to the mix, sometimes things don’t get done. But they have to, otherwise I’m not serving myself or anyone else in the long run. I’ve thought constantly about the how of my transformation, and how I wanted to tell my story. But planning and analyzing can have no end. And, to be honest, I’m sick and tired of my own self.
I’m 48 years old, 5’5″, 280lbs. I have arthritic knees, venous insufficiency in my calves, and I’m carrying around an inhaler because sometimes I feel like I can’t get enough air. Ridiculous things to have going on, knowing what I know. Why have I allowed myself to get here? Why is knowing not enough? What keeps my mind relying on tomorrow and constantly giving away my today? I have to figure this out because there has to be a message in all this mess that actually helps someone.
This is my push to begin again.