So it’s September 15th, and today marks 20 days that I have successfully controlled what I eat! My diet presently consists of whole, unprocessed fruits and vegetables. My soul has been breathing a sigh of relief for a while now. It’s crazy how long I’ve wanted to be on this journey, how many times I’ve tried and failed, but that the desire never left me, like a destiny quest. Impossible to see from the outside, my inner perception of myself is drastically different from who I see in the mirror. I have allowed external energies to push me away from my personal interests and goals. Recently, it dawned on me that this has got to be true for a lot of people. They go about their day, smile, press on, quietly dreaming of shedding all the layers that aren’t “them.” The persistent ones find a way to wriggle out of their present circumstances and gradually reveal who they actually are.

I am so proud of day 20. I remember day one. The day I coached myself into realizing that day one is like Hercules. It holds all the other days on its shoulders. The early days are the hardest in that way. So much effort, yet no momentum or results to fuel you. When you change how you eat, everything you love goes on sale at the store. Someone offers you cake at work. Your family cooks one of your favorite dishes, and the aroma lingers all over the house for hours. You still have to go to the store. You can’t abandon your family, and you also realize that people have become accustomed to showing love and friendship through food. Food is entertainment, pleasure, the most popular pastime. (Big corporations have seen this, and have also turned it into a money making funnel into pharmaceutical drugs, but that’s a topic for another blog post.) I know that, down the road, there will be certain events I may have to decline, and certain people I may disappoint. But the people who truly care for me will have to accept the changes. It is vastly more important now for me to be who I am becoming, that to be who I’ve been. For myself, and for others.

I don’t feel much difference yet. Change is subtle, I guess. Plus, considering how far I have to go, I guess I’ll just have to settle into this groove and ride it out for the next 6 months or so. My goal is to gain vitality, energy, vibrance, and lose 160 lbs. I don’t eat when I’m not hungry, and when I am, it’s always something fresh and raw. I am also working up to a gallon of water per day. I usually can get three quarts in with no problem, it’s that fourth one! I have been faithfully posting daily on Instagram, and the support I’ve received there is like a tiny puzzle piece that has truly helped keep me going. Hopefully soon I’ll have some visual ‘results’ to share, and inspire people about.

Food is everywhere. Part of what’s taken me this long to consistently control my eating is to be able to constantly be around something I am addicted to, and stay in control in its presence. Food is not going anywhere. Cheating on food only cheats me. I’ve come to far to spiral back to day one. What a waste that would be. So I just keep thinking about that, and I focus on things I like that I can have, and keep it moving. I think about the quality of life that I can’t really even conceive of, that I’m moving towards. This is a life practice, really. I know it’s not going to stop when the 6 months pass and I reach my goal. I’m still going to have to harness my unruly brain and stay in control. But by then I will have built up so much momentum, and I will be so much more physically active, and I will have my new life to hold onto.

I’ve lost so many times, there’s nothing left to do but win. Now the question is, “What will I allow myself to become?”

Thank you for taking the time to read this post. ❤️